It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
And did those teeth in ancient time
Walk upon england's mountains green...
Well, hello there again, ladies and gentlemen.
This time we'd like to up the tempo a little, change the mood.
We've got a number requested by pip, pauline, nigel, tarquin
And old spotty-- tarquin's mother.
It's a little number specially written
For the pubescence of ex-king zog of albania
And it's entitled "art gallery."
Hope you like it.
Hello, marge.
Oh, hello, janet.
How are you, love?
Fancy seeing you.
How's little ralph?
Oh, don't ask me.
He's been nothing but trouble all morning.
Stop it, ralph, stop it!
Same as my kevin-- nothing but trouble.
Leave it alone.
He's just been in the florentine room
And smeared tomato ketchup
All over raphael's babyjesus.
Oh...
Put that baroque masterpiece down!
Well, we've just come from the courtauld
And ralph smashed every exhibit but one
In the danish contemporary sculpture exhibition.
Just like my kevin.
Show him an exhibition
Of early-18th-century dresden pottery
And he goes berserk.
No, I said no, and I meant no!
This morning we were viewing
The early flemish masters
Of the renaissance and mannerists schools
When he gets out his black aerosol
And squirts vermeer's ladyata window.
Still, it's not as bad as spitting, is it?
No, well... kevin knows...
If he spits at a painting
I'll never take him to an exhibition again.
Ralph used to spit.
He could hit a van gogh at 30 yards, yes...
But he knows now it's wrong.
Don't you, ralph?
Ralph, stop it.
Stop it!
Stop chewing that turner!
You are?!
You are a naughty, naughty, vicious little boy!
Oh, look at that.
the fighting temeraire, ruined.
What shall I do?
Don't do anything with it, love.
Just put it in the bin over there.
Really?
Yes, take my word for it, marge--
Kevin's eaten most of the early-19th-century british landscape artists
And I've learned not to worry.
As a matter of fact
I feel a bit peckish myself.
Yes...
I never...
I never used to like turner.
No... I don't know much about art
But I know what I like.
Yes.
I think utrillo's brushwork is fantastic
But it doesn't always agree with me...
Not after a rubens, anyway.
All those cherries, ooh.
Ugh...
Got vermeer all down my shirt.
Watteau, dear?
What a terrible joke.
But it's my only line.
All right, all right
But you didn't have to say it.
You could have kept quiet for a change.
That's typical-- talk, talk, talk
Natter, natter, natter.
Bring me my arrows of desire
Bring me my spear, oh clouds unfold
Bring me my chariot of fire...
Cut to me.
As officer commanding
The regular army's advertising division
I object, in the strongest possible terms
To this obvious reference
To our own slogan "it's a dog's life-- er... man's life--
In the modern army."
And I warn this program that any recurrence
Of this sloppy, longhaired civilian plagiarism
Will be dealt with most severely.
Right, now on the command "cut," camera will cut to camera two.
All right, director...
Wait for it.
Camera... cut.
This is my only line.
Well, it's my only line.
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
Wait a minute.
I've already warned this program
About infringing the army copyright of our slogan:
"it's a pig's life-- man's life-- in the modern army"
And I'm warning you, if it happens again
I shall come down on this program like a ton of bricks.
Right.
Carry on, sergeant major.
Sir!
Good evening, class.
Good evening.
Where's all the others, then?
Not here.
I can see that.
What's the matter with them?
Don't know.
Perhaps they've got flu.
Flu?
Flu?!
They've eaten too much fresh fruit.
Right! now, self-defense.
Tonight I shall be carrying on from where I got to last week
When I was showing you how to defend yourself
Against anyone who attacks you
Armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
Oh... you promised
You wouldn't do fruit this week.
What do you mean?
We've done fresh fruit
For the last nine weeks.
What's wrong with fruit?
You think you know it all, eh?
Can't we do something else for a change?
Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Pointed sticks?
Oh, oh, oh.
We want to learn how to defend ourselves
Against pointed sticks, do we?
Getting all high and mighty, eh?
Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh?
Oh, well, well...
Well, I'll tell you something, my lad!
When you're walking home tonight
And some homicidal maniac comes after you
With a bunch of loganberries
Don't come crying to me!
Right... the passion fruit.
When your assailant lunges at you
With a passion fruit thus...
We've done the passion fruit.
What?
We've done the passion fruit.
We've done oranges, apples, grapefruits...
Whole and segments.
Pomegranates, greengages.
Grapes, passion fruits.
Lemons.
Plums.
Yeah, and mangoes in syrup.
How about cherries?
We done them.
Red and black?
Yes.
All right, then... bananas!
We haven't done them, have we?
Right! bananas...
How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana.
Here... you, take this.
Now, it's quite simple
To defend yourself
Against the banana fiend!
First of all, you force him to drop the banana!
Next you eat the banana, thus disarming him.
You have now rendered him helpless.
Suppose he's got a bunch?
Shut up!
Supposing he's got a pointed stick?
Shut up!
Right, now... you, mr. apricot.
Harrison.
Harrison, mr. harrison.
Come at me with that banana then.
Come on, attack me with it, as hard as you like, come on.
No, no
No, no, no!
Put something into it, for god's sake!
Hold it like that.
Scream.
Now, come on.
Come on, attack me.
Come on, come on
Come on.
Now...
Now I eat the banana!
He's dead.
You shot him.
He's completely dead.
You shot him.
I have now eaten the banana!
The deceased, mr. apricot, is now disarmed.
You shot him.
You shot him dead.
Well, he was attacking me with a banana.
Well, you told him to.
Look, I'm only doing my job.
I have to show you how to defend yourself against fresh fruit.
And pointed sticks.
Shut up!
Supposing someone come at you
With a banana, and you haven't got a gun?
Run for it.
Well, you could stand and scream for help.
Yeah, yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.
Pineapple?
Where, where?
Oh, I was just saying "pineapple."
Oh, blimey, I thought my number was on that one.
What, on the pineapple?
Where, where?
No, I was just repeating it.
Oh, oh, I see.
Right... whew!
That's the banana, then.
Next, the raspberry.
Harmless-looking thing, isn't it?
Now, you, mr. tinned peach.
Thompson.
Mr. thompson.
Come at me with that raspberry, then.
Come on, be as vicious as you like with it.
No!
Why not?
You'll shoot me.
I won't!
You shot mr. harrison.
That was self-defense.
Come on, I promise I won't shoot you.
You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
Shut up!
Now, brandish that... brandish that raspberry.
Come on!
Be as vicious as you like with it, come on.
No, throw the gun away.
I haven't got a gun.
Oh, yes, you have.
I haven't.
You have-- you shot mr. harrison with it.
Oh... that gun.
Well, throw it away.
All right.
How to defend yourself against a raspberry
Without a gun.
You were going to shoot me.
I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't.
You were.
I wasn't, I wasn't.
Come on, come on, you worm.
You miserable little man.
Come at me, then.
Come on, do your worst, you worm.
If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry
Simply pull the lever
And a 16-ton weight will drop on his head.
I learned that in malaya.
Suppose you haven't got the 16-ton weight.
Well, that's planning, isn't it?
Forethought.
Well, how many 16-ton weights are there?
Look! look, smarty-pants
The 16-ton weight is just one way
Just one way!
Of killing the raspberry killer.
There are millions of others.
Like what?
Shoot him.
Well, supposing you haven't got a gun
Or a 16-ton weight.
All right, clever dick, all right, clever dick.
You two, come at me with raspberries, then
A whole basket each.
Come on, come at me with them, then.
No gun?
No!
No 16-ton weight?
No pointed sticks?
Shut up!
No rocks up in the ceiling?
No!
You won't kill us?
I won't kill you.
Promise?
I promise I won't kill you.
Now, are you going to attack me?
All right.
Right, now don't rush me this time.
I'm going to turn me back so you can stalk me, right?
Come up as quietly as you can
Right close up behind me
Then in with the raspberries, right?
Start moving!
Now, the first thing to do
When you're being stalked
By an ugly mob with raspberries
Is to release the tiger.
The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is
That it not only eats the raspberry-laden foe
But also the raspberries.
The tiger, however, does not relish the peach.
The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile.
Right.
Now, the rest of you, I know you're there
Lurking under the floorboards
With your damsons and your prunes
Hiding behind the wall bars with your quinces.
Well, I'm ready for you.
I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite
And if any of you so much as tries anything
We'll all go up together.
I warned you!
I warned you, right.
That's it!
Say, have I shown you my last operation?
Now, we've got to find that tumor.
Aha!
Now, where does it go?
No, no.
Good day, harry.
And did those feet
In ancient times
Walk upon england's mountains green...
Well, now we'd like to alter the mood a little.
We'd like to bring you something for mom and dad
Annie and roger, mazarin and louis
And all at versailles.
It's a little number called "england's mountains green."
Hope you like it.
And did those feet in ancient time...
Yes, you know, it's a man's life in england's mountains green.
Right, I heard that, I heard that.
I'm going to stop this sketch now.
And if there's any more of this
I'm going to stop the whole program.
I thought it was supposed to be about teeth anyway.
Why don't you do something about teeth?
Go on.
What about my rustic monologue?
I'm not sleeping with that producer again.
excitement... drama...
action... violence...
fresh fruit... passion...
thrills... spills...
romance... adventure...
all the things you can read about in a book.
Ah... oh.
Good morning-- I'd like to buy a book, please.
Well, I'm afraid we don't have any.
I'm sorry?
We don't have any books.
We're fresh out of them.
Good morning.
What are all these?
All what?
All these... these...
You're referring to these, um... books.
Yes.
They're, um...
They're all sold.
Good morning.
What, all of them?
Every single man jack of them.
Not a single one of them in an unsold state.
Good morning.
Who to?
What?
Who are they sold to?
Oh, various...
Good lord, is that the time?
Oh, my goodness, I must close for lunch.
It's only half past ten.
Yes, well, I feel rather peckish.
Very peckish actually.
I don't suspect I'll open again today.
I think I'll have a really good feed.
I say! look at that lovely book shop
Just across the road there.
They've got a much better selection than we've got.
Probably at ridiculously low prices.
Just across the road there-- good morning.
But I was told to come here.
Well...
You were.
I see.
I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year.
And so are the mangoes.
I'm sorry?
Oh, I was just saying, thinking of the weather
I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year.
And so are the mangoes.
Mine aren't.
Go on.
What?
Go on, "mine aren't, but..."
Aren't you going to say something
About "mine aren't
But the big cheese gets his at low tide tonight"?
No.
Oh... ah! good morning.
Wait!
Who sent you?
The little old lady in the sweet shop.
She didn't have a dueling scar just here and a hook?
No.
No, no, of course not.
I was thinking of somebody else-- good morning.
Wait a minute.
There's something going on here.
What? where?
You didn't see anything, did you?
No, but I think there's something going on here.
No, no, well, there's nothing going on here at all.
And he didn't see anything-- good morning.
There is something going on.
No, there is nothing going on.
Please believe me, there is absolu... u...
Utely nothing going on.
Is there anything going on?
No, there's nothing going on.
See? there's nothing going on.
Who was that?
Well, that... my aunt.
Look, what was this book you wanted, then?
Quickly, quickly, quickly.
Oh, I'd like to buy a copy
Of an illustrated history of false teeth.
My god! you've got guts.
What?
Just how much do you know?
What about?
Are you from the british dental association?
No, I'm a tobacconist.
Get away from that door.
I'll just go over the other...
Stay where you are.
You'll never leave this book shop alive.
Why not?
You know too much
My dental friend.
I don't know anything.
Come clean.
You're a dentist, aren't you?
No, I'm a tobacconist.
A tobacconist who just happens
To be buying a book on... teeth?
Yes.
Ha! ha! ha!
Drop that gun, stapleton!
Lafarge!
There is something going on.
No, there isn't.
Okay, stapleton, this is it.
Where's mahoney hidden the fillings?
Um... what fillings?
You know which fillings, stapleton.
Upper right, two and four
Lower right, three and lower left, one.
Come on.
Remember what happened to nigel.
What happened to nigel?
Orthodontic jake gave him a gelignite mouthwash.
I knew there was something going on.
But there isn't.
Come on, stapleton.
The fillings.
They're at 22 wimpole street.
Don't play games with me.
Ow!
22a wimpole street.
That's better.
But you'll need an appointment.
Okay, brian, make with the appointment, baby, no gas.
Ah, not so fast, lafarge.
Van der berg.
Yes-- now, drop the roscoe.
There is something going on.
No, there isn't.
Nurse, get the guns.
Who's that?
That's van der berg-- he's on our side.
All right, get up against the wall, lafarge.
And you, too, stapleton.
Me?
Yes!
You dirty, double-crossing rat.
What's happened?
He's two-timed me.
Bad luck.
All right, where are the fillings?
Answer me.
Where are they?!
This is quite exciting.
Not so fast.
Brian!
Ooh, what's that?
It's a bazooka!
All right, get against the wall, van der berg
And you, nurse.
And the first one to try anything
Moves to a practice six feet underground.
This is an antitank gun, and it's loaded
And you've just got five seconds to tell me
Whatever happened to baby jane.
What?
Oh, I'm sorry, my mind's wandering.
I've had a terrible day, I really have.
You've got five seconds to tell me...
I've forgotten.
The five seconds haven't started yet, have they?
Only we don't know the question.
Was it about vogler?
No, no, you've got five seconds to tell me...
About nigel?
No, no.
Bronsky?
No, no.
The fillings?
Oh, yes, the fillings, of course.
How stupid of me.
All right, you've got five seconds.
Where are the fillings?
Five...
Four...
Three...
Two...
One...
Zero.
Oh, I've forgotten to fire it.
Sorry, silly day.
Five, four, three
Two, one.
Drop the bazooka, brian.
The big cheese!
I'm glad you could all come to my little party.
And flopsy's glad, too.
Aren't you, flopsy?
Aren't you, flopsy?!
That'll teach you to play hard to get.
There, poor flopsy's dead and never called me "mother"
And soon you will all be dead.
Dead, dead.
And because I'm so evil
You will all die the slow way-- under the drill.
It's 1:00.
So it is.
Lunch break, everyone.
Back here at 2:00.
Hello?
Give me the british dental association
And fast.
You see, I knew there was something going on.
Of course, the big cheese made two mistakes.
First of all, he didn't recognize me, lemming
Arthur lemming
Special investigator, british dental association.
And second-- spit--
By the time I got back from lunch
I had every dental surgeon in sw-i waiting for them all
In the broom cupboard.
Funny, isn't it
How naughty dentists always make that one fatal mistake?
Bye for now.
Keep your teeth clean.
Lemming, lemming
Lemming of the b.d.a.
Lemming, lemming
Lemming of the b.d., lemming of the b.d.
B.d., b.d.a.
Right, no, I warned you.
No, I warned you about the slogan.
Right, that's the end.
Stop the program.
Stop it.
Oh, got you, my lad.
Still acting, eh?
Over you go.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Oh, good, that'll be the vet, dear.
I'd better go and let him in.
It's the vet, dear.
Very glad, indeed
You could come round, sir.
Not at all.
Now, what seems to be the problem?
You can tell me.
I'm a vet, you know.
See? tell him, dear.
Well...
It's our cat!
He doesn't do anything.
He just sits out there on the lawn.
Is he... dead?
Oh, no.
Thank god for that.
For one ghastly moment I thought I was...
Too late.
If only more people would call in the nick of time.
He just sits there
All day and every day.
And at night...
Shh! almost motionless.
We have to take his food out to him.
And his milk...
Shh! he doesn't do anything.
He just sits there.
Are you at your wit's end?
Definitely-- shh-- yes.
Hmm, I see.
Well, I think I may be able to help you.
You see...
Your cat is suffering
From what we vets haven't found a word for.
His condition is typified by total physical inertia--
Absence of interest in its ambiance--
What we vets call "environment."
Oh...
Failure to respond
To the conventional external stimuli:
A ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird.
To be blunt, your cat is in a rut.
It's the old... stockbroker syndrome
The suburban fin-de-siecle ennui
Angst, weltschmertz-- call it what you will.
Moping.
In a way, in a way.
Hmm, "moping," I must remember that.
Now, what's to be done.
Tell me, sir, have you confused your cat recently?
Well, i...
Shh! no.
Yes, well...
I think I can definitely say
That your cat badly needs to be confused.
What?
Shh! what?
Confused--
To shake it out of its state of complacency.
I'm afraid...
I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats
But I can recommend an extremely good service.
Here is their card.
Oh, "confuse-a-cat."
"confuse-a-cat, limited."
Oh.
Squad! eyes front!
Stand at ease!
Cat confusers...
Confusers... ho!
Well, men, we've got
A very difficult cat to confuse today
So let's get straight on with it, jolly good.
Thank you, sergeant.
Confusers!
Attend to the van and fetch out...
Wait for it!
Fetch out the funny things!
Move, move, move, move!
One, two, one, two
Get those funny things off!
Right, get rid of that!
Get a move on, move it.
Round about this way.
Further back, over there, leave it down.
One, two, one, two.
Confusers! fall... in!
Stage ready for confusing, sir!
Very good.
Carry on, sergeant.
Left turn!
Double march!
Right, men, confuse the... cat.
My lords, ladies and gentlemen...
I hope to god it works.
Anyway, we shall know any minute now.
Oh, I can't believe it!
Neither can i.
It's just like the old days.
He's cured.
Oh, thank you, general.
What can we ever do to repay you?
No need to, sir.
It's all in a day's work for...
Confuse-a-cat.
Have you read this, sir?
No-- oh, yes, yes, yes.
Anything to declare?
Yes-- no! no!
No, no, nothing to declare, no.
Nothing in my suitcase, no.
No watches, cameras, radio sets?
Oh, yes, four watches...
No! no! no...
No, one watch.
No! no, not even one watch.
No watches at all.
No, no watches at all.
No precision watches, no.
Which country have you been visiting, sir?
Switzerland...
No! no, not switzerland, ha!
Not switzerland.
It began with "s" but it wasn't switzerland.
Oh, what could it be?
Terribly bad memory for names.
Uh... what's the name of that country
Where they don't make watches at all?
Spain?
Spain! that's it.
Spain, yes, mmm.
The label says "zurich," sir.
Yes, well... it was spain, then.
Zurich's in switzerland, sir.
Switzerland, yeah, mmm, mmm...
Switzerland.
Yeah, mm-hmm...
Where they make the watches.
Ah! yeah...
Ooh, nice shed you've got here.
Have you got any swiss currency, sir?
No, just the watches.
Ah! just my watch.
Just my watch, uh... my watch on the currency.
I've kept a watch on the currency
And I've watched it and I haven't got any.
That come out a bit glib, didn't it?
Have you got an alarm clock in there, sir?
No, no, heavens no, no.
Just vests, ha!
Sounded a bit like an alarm clock going off.
Well, it can't have been.
It must have been a vest...
Uh... going off.
Going off.
All right!
I confess, I'm a smuggler.
This whole case is crammed full
Of swiss watches and clocks.
I've been purposely trying to deceive
Her majesty's customs and excise.
I've been a bloody fool.
I don't believe you, sir.
It's true, I'm guilty of smuggling.
Don't give me that, sir.
You couldn't smuggle a piece of grease-proofed paper
Let alone a case full of watches.
What do you mean?!
I've smuggled watches before, you know!
I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components.
You name it, I've smuggled it.
Now, move along, please.
You're wasting our time, move along, please.
Look! look at this.
Look, for all I know, sir, you could've bought these in london
Before you ever went
To switzerland.
I wouldn't buy 2,000 clocks!
People do.
Now close her up.
Move along, please.
Go on, don't waste our time.
We're out to catch the real smugglers.
I am a real smuggler!
I'm a smuggler, everybody!
Don't you understand?
I'm a smuggler!
I'm a lawbreaker! I'm a smuggler!
Poor fellow, I think he needs help.
Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar.
Get to the search room and strip.
Well, to discuss the implications of that sketch
And to consider the moral problems
Raised by the law enforcement methods involved
We have a duck, a cat and a lizard.
Now, first of all
I'd like to put this question to you, please, lizard:
How effective do you consider the legal weapons
Employed by legal customs officers nowadays?
Well, while you're thinking about that
I'd like to bring the duck in here
And ask her, if possible
To clarify the whole question of currency restrictions
And custom regulations in the world today.
Perhaps the cat would rather answer that?
No? lizard?
No.
Well, uh...
Let's ask the man in the street what he thinks.
I am not a man, you silly billy.
I'm not in the street, you fairy!
Well, uh, speaking as a man in the street...
What was the question again?
Just how relevant
Are contemporary customs regulations
And currency restrictions
In a modern, expanding industrial economy?
Oh, never mind.
Well, I think customs men should be armed
So they can kill people carrying more than 200 cigarettes.
Well, I think that, uh... nobody who has gone abroad
Should be allowed back in the country!
I mean, uh... blimey!
Blimey!
If they're not keen enough to stay here when they're here
Why should we allow them back, huh...
At the taxpayers' expense?
I mean, be fair!
I mean, I don't eat squirrels, do i?
I mean, well, perhaps I do, one or two
But there's no law against that, is there?
It's a free country!
I mean, if I want to eat a squirrel now and again
That's my own business, isn't it?
I mean, I'm no racialist!
I...
Oh...
I think it's silly to ask a lizard what it thinks, anyway.
Why?
I mean, they should have asked margaret drabble.
Well, I think customs people are quite necessary
And I think they're doing quite a good job, really.
Check.
Door's open.
Oh, yeah.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
My name's police constable henry thatcher
And this is a raid.
I have reason to believe
That there are certain substances
On the premises.
What sort of substances, officer?
Er, certain substances.
Well, what sort of certain substances?
Er, certain substances of an illicit nature.
Could you be more specific?
I beg your pardon?
Could you be clearer?
Oh, oh, yeah.
Certain substances on the premises
To be removed for clinical tests.
Have you got anything particular in mind?
Well, what have you got?
Nothing, officer.
You are sandy camp, the actor?
Yes.
I must warn you, sir
That outside I have police dog josephine
Who is not only armed
And trained to sniff out certain substances
But is also a junkie.
What are you after?
Oh!
Oh, oh!
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh... oh!
I've...
Here is a brown paper bag
I have found on the premises.
I must confiscate this, sir
And take it with me for clinical examination.
Wait a minute.
You just got that out of your pocket.
What?
Well, what's in it anyway?
Sandwiches?
Blimey! whatever did I give the wife?
"dear bbc, east grimstead, friday...
"I feel I really must write and protest about that sketch.
"my husband, in common with a lot of people of his age, is 50.
"for how long are we to put up with these things?
Yours sincerely, e.d. debenham, mrs."
"dear freddy grisewood, bagshot, surrey.
"as a prolific letter writer
"I feel I must protest about the previous letter.
"I am nearly 60 and am quite mad.
"but I do en joy listening to the bbc home service.
"if this continues to go on unabated
"dunkirk, dark days of the war, backs to the wall
"alvar liddell, berlin airlift, moral upheaval of profumo case
"young hippies roaming the streets
"raping, looting and killing.
Yours, etcetera, brigadier arthur gormanstrop, mrs."
Well, I think they should attack things like that...
With satire.
I mean, ned sherrin.
Fair's fair.
I think people should be able to make up their own minds for me.
Well, I think they should attack
The fuddy-duddy attitudes of the lower middle classes
Which permit the establishment to survive
And keep the mores of the whole country
Back where they were in the 19th century
And the ghastly days of the presexual revolution.
Well, that's, er, very interesting
Because, er, I am, in fact, made entirely of wood.
Well, I think they should attack the lower classes
First with bombs and rockets, destroying their homes
And then when they run helpless into the streets
Mowing them down with machine guns.
And then, of course, releasing the vultures.
I know these views aren't popular
But I have never courted popularity.
I think there should be more race prejudice.
Less.
Less race prejudice.
...and several butcher's aprons.
In fulham this morning, a jeweler's shop was broken into
And jewelry to the value of £2,000 stolen.
Police have issued this picture of a man they wish to interview.
The man is in his late 20s
Wearing a gray suit, a white shirt and a floral tie.
Will anyone who sees this man
Or can give any information about his whereabouts
Contact their nearest police station?
Ah...
Oh, we've just heard that police have detained
The man they wished to interview
In connection with the jewel robbery.
But after questioning
Police have ruled him out of their inquiries
And released him.
Sport.
Ah, they say, however, that acting on his information
They now wish to interview a newsreader
In the central london area.
Police are concentrating their inquiries
On the british broadcasting associ...
Excuse me a minute.
We understand a man is now helping police
With their inquiries.
And that is the end of the news.
And now, "match of the day."
Uh, I'm terribly sorry.
It's not, in fact, "match of the day."
It is, in fact, edited highlights
Of tonight's romantic movie.
Uh... sorry.
Ooh! I'm sorry.
On bbc2, joan bakewell will be talking to michael dean
About what makes exciting television.
Ah, sorry about all that.
And now, back to the movie.
Oh, bevis.
Oh, darling.
Oh, should we?
Why not?
Oh!
Be gentle with me.
Oh, bevis, are you going to do anything
Or are you just going to show me films all evening?
Just one more, dear.
Oh!
Whoa! charles atlas!
With the world's most perfectly developed body.
Tired of being pushed around?
Would you like to do some pushing around instead?
Would you like a body that can't fail to attract women?
A body that is the envy of other men?
Oh, I must get one of those.
Then let me have your skinny, scrawny little body
For just 15 minutes a day.
I've heard that one before, ducky.
Let me slap 50 pounds of he-man muscles on you.
Thick, herculean arms...
A deep, massive chest...
Atomic-powered legs, shoulders a yard wide
And right in the privacy of your own home.
What's my secret?
It's dynamo tension.
Muscles pulling against muscles, the natural way.
Here's living proof.
And there's no need to stop there.
So don't delay.
Send today
For my gigantic, free, 78-page muscle-building course.
Postman.
And start building a body you can be proud of.
You know, I really en joy interviewing applicants
For this management training course.
Come in.
Ah, come and sit down.
Thank you.
Would you mind just standing up again
For one moment?
Take a seat.
I'm sorry?
Take a seat.
Yes.
Ah!
Good morning.
Tell me, why do you say "good morning"
When you know perfectly well it's afternoon?
Well, you said "good morning."
Good afternoon.
Oh, dear.
Good evening.
Good-bye?
No.
Aren't you going to ask me
Why I rang the bell?
Er, why did you ring the bell?
Why do you think I rang the bell?
Five, four...
Three, two...
One, zero!
Well, i, i...
Too late!
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
Um... this is... is the interview
For the management training course, is it?
Yes-- yes, it is.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding...
Oh, dear, I don't think I'm doing very well.
Why do you say that?
Well, I don't know.
Do you say it because you didn't know?
Well, i... I don't know.
Five!
Four, three, two, one, zero!
Right.
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Well, why did you think I did that then?
Well, I don't know.
Aren't you curious?
Well, yes.
Well, why don't you ask me?
Name?
What?
Your name, please!
Um, er, david.
David. sure?
Oh, yes.
David... shaw.
No, no-- thomas.
Thomas shaw?
No, no-- david thomas.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding...
Oh, dear, we're back to that again.
Good night
Ding-ding-ding-ding
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
I don't know what to do when you do that.
Well, do something.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding...
Five!
Four! three!
Two! one!
Good!
Good?
Very good.
Do it again.
Very good indeed.
Quite outstanding.
Ah, right, ready now.
Right, once more.
Good night
Ding-ding- ding-ding
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
Wha... what's going on?
What's going on?
You got very good marks.
Well, I don't care.
I want to know what's going on!
I think you're deliberately trying to humiliate people
And I'm going straight out of here
And I'm going to tell the police
Exactly what you do to people
And they're going to make bloody sure
That you never do it again.
There, what do you think of that?!
What do you think of that?
Very good marks.
Oh, oh...
Well, do I get the job?
Er, well, I'm afraid not.
I'm afraid all the vacancies were filled several weeks ago.
Hmm.
Well, that was all good fun
And we all had a jolly good laugh.
But I would like to assure you
That you'd never be treated like that
If you had an interview here at the careers advisory board.
Perhaps I should introduce myself.
I am the head of the careers advisory board.
I wanted to be a doctor, but there we are.
I'm head of the careers advisory board.
Or a sculptor-- something artistic.
Or an engineer, with all those dams
But there we are, it's no use crying over spilt milk.
The facts are there and that's that.
I'm the head of this lousy board.
Never mind.
Now, I wonder if you've ever considered
What a very profitable line of work this man is in.
Burglar!
Yes?
Burglar, madam.
What do you want?
I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.
Are you an encyclopedia salesman?
No, madam, I'm a burglar.
I burgle people.
I think you're an encyclopedia salesman.
Oh, I'm not, open the door.
Let me in, please.
If I let you in, you'll sell me encyclopedias.
I won't, madam.
I just want to come in, ransack the flat... honestly.
Promise?
No encyclopedias?
None at all.
All right.
You'd better come in, then.
Mind you, I don't know
Whether you've ever really considered
The advantages of owning a really fine set
Of modern encyclopedias.
You know, they can do you really wonders.
That man was a successful encyclopedia salesman.
But not all encyclopedia salesmen are successful.
Here is an unsuccessful encyclopedia salesman.
Now here are two unsuccessful encyclopedia salesmen.
I think there's a lesson there for all of us.
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
I thought you did that so well, mr. figgis.
Could I have your autograph?
Certainly, yes.
Beethoven, mozart, chopin, liszt, brahms, panties--
I'm sorry.
Schumann, schubert, mendelssohn and bach.
Names that will live forever.
But there is one composer
Whose name is never included with the greats.
Why is it the world never remembered
The name of johann gambolputty
De von ausfern- schplenden-schlitter-
Crasscrenbon-fried-digger- dingle-dangle-dongle-
Dungle-burstein-von-knacker- thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
Ticolensic-grander-knotty- spelltinkle-grandlich-
Grumblemeyer-spelterwasser- kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger- bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-
Weimache-luber-hundsfut- gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von hautkopft of ulm?
To do justice to this man, thought by many
To be the greatest name in german baroque music
We present a profile of johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden- schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle- dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz- ticolensic-grander-knotty-
Spelltinkle-grandlich- grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-
Kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen- gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker- kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm.
We start with an interview with his only surviving relative
Karl gambolputty de von...
When I first met johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden-schlitter- crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle- dongle-dungle-burstein-
Von-knacker-thrasher-apple- banger-horowitz-ticolensic-
Grander-knotty-
Spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen-
Gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle- gerspurten-mitz-
Weimache-luber-hundsfut- gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch- mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm
When he was
With his wife
Sarah gambolputty de von...
Yes, if I may...
Just cut in on you there, herr gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden- schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-
Digger-dingle-dangle-dongle- dungle-burstein-von-knacker-
Thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
Ticolensic-grander- knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen- gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von hautkopft of ulm
And ask you just quickly if there's any particular thing
That you remember about johann gambolputty
De von ausfern-schplenden- schlitter-crasscrenbon-
Fried-digger-dingle-dangle- dongle-dungle-burstein-von-
Knacker-thrasher-apple...
Banger-ticolensic-grander- knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich-
Himbleeisen-bahnwagen- gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz- weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker- kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher
Von hautkopft of ulm.
A tribute to johann gambolputty de von
Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-
Crasscrenbon-fried-digger- dingle-dangle-dongle-
Dungle-burstein- von-knacker-thrasher-
Apple-banger-horowitz- ticolensic-
Grander-knotty-spelltinkle-
Grandlich-
Grumblemeyer-
Spelterwasser-
Kurstlich-himbleeisen-
Bahnwagen-gutenabend-
Bitte-ein-nurnburger-
Bratwustle-
Gerspurten-
Mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-
Gumberaber-shonendanker-
Kalbsfleisch-
Mittler-aucher von hautkopft
Of ulm.
Oof!
Ooh!
Ooh, ooh!
That's it.
We are not about to allow
This sort of smut to be shown on-screen.
I must agree with the censor.
Smut and filth have no place on the street... screen...
On the street... no...
All clear?
All clear, boss.
Right, this is the plan, then.
At 10:45 you, reg, collect me and ken in the van
And take us around to the british jewelry center
In the high street.
We arrive outside the british jewelry center
At 10:50 a of m.
I shall then get out of the car.
You, reg, take it and park it
Back here in denver street, right?
At 10:51 I shall enter the british jewelry center
Where you, vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me
And hand me £5.18.3.
At 10:52 I shall approach the counter
And purchase a watch costing £5.18.3.
I shall then give the watch to you, vic.
You'll go straight to norman's garage in east street.
You lads come and pick me back up here at 10:56
And we rendezvous in the back room of the cow and sickle
At 11:15.
All right, any questions?
We don't seem to be doing anything illegal.
What do you mean?
Well, we're paying for the watch.
Yeah?
Well, why are we paying for the watch?
They wouldn't give it to us
If we didn't pay for it, would they?
I don't like this outfit.
Why not?
Well, we never break
The bloody law!
What do you mean?!
Well, look at that bank job last week.
What was wrong with that?
Well, having to go in there
With a mask on and ask for £15
Out of my deposit account--
That's what was wrong.
What are you trying to say, larry?
Couldn't we just steal the watch, boss?
Oh, you dumb cluck!
We spent weeks organizing this job!
Reg rented a room across the road
And filmed people going in and out every day.
Vic spent three weeks looking at watch catalogs
Till he knew the price of each one backwards.
And I'm not going to risk the whole raid
Just for the sake of breaking the law!
Couldn't we park in the double yellow line?
No!
Couldn't we get
A dog to foul the foot?
What's the matter with you?
I just thought I've...
I left the car on a meter and it's...
Overdue?
Yes, boss.
How much?
I don't know, boss
Maybe two... maybe five minutes.
Five minutes overdue?!
You fool!
All right, we have no time to lose.
Ken, shave all your hair off, get your passport
And meet me at this address
In rio de janeiro tuesday night.
Vic, go to east africa
Have plastic surgery and meet me there.
Reg, go to canada, work your way south to nicaragua by july.
Larry, you stay here as front man.
Give us 15 minutes, then blow the building up.
All right, make it fast.
Hey, boss, I can't blow the building up.
Why not?
It's illegal.
Oh, bloody hell.
Well, we'd better give ourselves up, then.
We can't boss.
Why not?
We haven't done anything illegal.
Excuse me.
No, well, I think being illegal makes it more exciting.
Yeah, I agree.
I mean, if you're going to go straight
You might as well be a vicar or something.
What?
I agree.
If there were fewer robbers
There wouldn't be so many of them, numerically speaking.
I think sexual ecstasy is overrated.
Well, how very interesting
Because I'm now made entirely of tin.
After a few more of these remarks
I shall be appearing in a sketch, so stay tuned.
It's the uniform that puts them off-- that and my bad breath.
We like dressing up, yes.
Hello again.
I am at present still on film, but in a few seconds
I shall be appearing in the studio.
Thank you.
Hello.
Mr. milton, you are sole proprietor and owner
Of the whizzo chocolate company?
I am.
Superintendent parrot and i
Are from the hygiene squad.
We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates
Entitled "the whizzo quality assortment."
Ah, yes.
If I may begin at the beginning.
First there is the "cherry fondue."
This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
Agreed.
Next, we have
Number four-- "crunchy frog."
Ah, yes.
Am I right
In thinking there's a real frog in here?
Yes, a little one.
What sort of frog?
A dead frog.
Is it cooked?
No.
What, a raw frog?
We use only the finest baby frogs
Dew picked and flown from iraq
Cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed
And then sealed in a succulent swiss quintuple smooth
Treble cream milk chocolate envelope
And lovingly frosted with glucose.
That's as maybe, it's still a frog.
Oh, what else?
Well, don't you even take
The bones out?
If we took the bones out
It wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
Superintendent parrot ate one of those.
Excuse me a moment.
It says "crunchy frog" quite clearly.
Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl.
People won't expect there to be a frog in there.
They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog.
Mock frog?
We use no artificial preservatives
Or additives of any kind.
Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future
You should delete the words "crunchy frog"
And replace them with the legend
"crunchy, raw, unboned, real dead frog"
If you want to avoid prosecution.
What about our sales?
I'm not interested in your sales.
I have to protect the general public.
Now, how about this one?
It was number five, wasn't it?
Number five-- "ram's bladder cup."
What kind of confection is this?
We use choicest, juicy chunks of fresh cornish ram's bladder
Emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds
Whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.
Lark's vomit?
Correct.
Well, it don't say nothing about that here.
Oh, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box
After monosodium glutamate.
Well, I hardly think this is good enough.
I think it would be more appropriate
If the box bore a large red label warning, "lark's vomit."
Our sales would plummet.
Well, why don't you move
Into more conventional areas of confectionery
Like praline or lime cream?--
A very popular flavor I'm led to understand.
I mean, look at this one-- "cockroach cluster."
"anthrax ripple."
What's this one-- "spring surprise"?
Ah, now, that's our specialty--
Covered in darkest creamy chocolate
When you pop it in your mouth, steel bolts spring out
And plunge straight through both cheeks.
Well, where's the pleasure in that?
If people place a nice chocky in their mouths
They don't want their cheeks pierced.
In any case
This is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat.
I should have to ask you
To accompany me to the station.
It's a fair cop.
Stop talking to the camera.
I'm sorry.
If only the general public would take more care
When buying its sweeties
It would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation
And they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped
And sitting around in public lavatories.
The bbc would like to apologize
For the extremely poor quality of the next announcement
Only he is not at all well.
We present "the dull life of a city stockbroker."
Yes, sir, coming right up, the theater sketch, so don't move.
Me heap want see play.
Me want play start heap soon.
Yes, well, I think it begins in a minute.
Me heap big fan cicely courtneidge.
Yes, she's very good.
She fine actress.
She make interpretation heap subtle.
She heap good diction and timing.
She make part really live for indian brave.
Yes, yes, she's marvelous.
My father-- chief running stag, leader of mighty redfoot tribe--
Him heap keen on michael denison and dulcie gray.
Um, do you go to the theater a lot?
When moon high over prairie, when wolf howl over mountain
When mighty wind roar through yellow valley
We go leatherhead rep.
Block booking, upper circle
Whole tribe get in on 3/6d each.
That's very good.
Stage manager, stan wilson, heap good friend redfoot tribe.
After show, we go powwow, speakum with director sandy camp
In snug bar of bell and compasses.
Him mighty fine director.
Him heap famous.
Yes, I don't know him myself.
Him say leatherhead rep
Like to play with redfoot tribe.
Oh, that's good.
We do dial m for murder.
Chief running elk, him kill buffalo with bare hands
Run thousand paces while the sun is high
Him play chief inspector hardy.
Heap good fine actor.
You do a lot of acting, do you?
Yes, redfoot tribe live by acting and hunting.
You don't fight anymore?
Yes! redfoot make war.
When chief yellow snake was leader
And mighty eagle was in land of forefather
We fight pawnee at oxbow crossing.
When pawnee steal our rehearsal copies of reluctant debutante...
We kill 50 pawnee.
Houses heap full every night.
Heap good publicity.
I think it's about to start now.
Thank god for that.
Paleface like eat chocolate?
No, thank you very much.
Mmm, crunchy frog, heap good.
Ladies and gentlemen, before the play starts
I would like to apologize to you all
But unfortunately, miss cicely courtneidge is unable to appear
Owing to...
Oh, did you read that, edgar?
What was that, dear?
There's been another indian massacre
At dorking civic theater.
About time, too, dear.
"those who were left alive at the end
Got their money back."
That's what live theater needs--
A few more massacres.
"the police are anxious to speak
"to anyone who saw the crime
"ladies with large breasts
Or just anyone who likes policemen."
Yes, policemen make wonderful friends.
So if you are over six feet tall and would like a friend--
A pen friend-- in the police force
Here is the address to write to: mrs. ena frog
8 masonic apron street, cowdenbeath.
Remember, policemen make wonderful friends
So write today and take advantage of our free officer.
Thank you.
Now for the next sketch.
Ooh...
Oh, thank you.
Ooh, a scotsman on a horse!
For mrs. emma hamilton of nelson
A scotsman on a horse.
Oh, I liked that.
I want to get one of those for myself, too, peachy-face.
Ooh!
Whoa!
The police, percy!
We know you're in there
So come out with your hands up
And there'll be no trouble.
You'll never take me alive, copper.
Ooh, all right.
Good morning, boys.
Good morning, mr. saltzberg.
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.
Well, boys, I want you to know
That I think you're the best six writers in movies today.
And I want you to know that I've had an idea
For the next movie I'm going to produce
And I want you boys to write it.
Oh, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.
There'll be plenty of time for that later on.
Now, here's my idea.
It's great.
You like it?
Do you like it?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you like best about it?
Oh, well, you haven't told us what it is yet.
What?
Um... I like what he likes.
What do you like?
Oh, I like what he likes.
I like what he likes.
I'm just crazy about what he likes.
What do you like about it?
I agree with them.
Good, now we're getting somewhere.
Now, here's the start of the movie.
I see snow...
White snow.
Think of the colors!
And in the snow, I see a tree.
Wait, wait, I haven't finished yet.
There's more?
And by this tree, gentlemen
I see a dog.
ole!
And, gentlemen, this dog goes up to the tree
And he piddles on it.
Hallelu jah!
Have we got a movie!
He tells it the way it is.
It's where it's at.
This is something else.
It's out of sight!
I like it, I like it!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, I promise I like it.
Sir, I don't know how to say this
But I've got to be perfectly frank.
I really and truly believe this story of yours
Is the greatest story in motion picture history.
Get out!
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a yes-man.
Get out!
I'll see you never work again!
What do you think?
Well, I uh...
Just because I have an idea
It doesn't mean it's great.
It could be lousy.
It could?
Yeah, what do you think?
It's lousy.
There you are, you see, he spoke his mind.
He said my idea was lousy.
Just so happens my idea isn't lousy.
So get out, you goddamn pinko subversive, get out!
You!
Well, i... I think it's an excellent idea.
Are you a yes-man?
No... I mean, there may be things against it.
You think it's lousy?
No, no... I mean, it takes time.
Are you being indecisive?
Yo...
Nes... perhaps.
Now, I hope you three gentlemen aren't going to be indecis...
What the hell are you doing under that table?
We dropped our pencils.
Pencil-droppers, eh?
No, no, no.
Right.
Now, I want your opinion of my idea.
You!
Has he had a heart attack?
If there's one thing I can't stand
It's people who have heart attacks!
I feel fine now.
Well, what do you think?
Uh... you didn't ask me, you asked him.
Oh... you didn't ask me, you asked him.
Uh... him.
I've changed my mind.
I'm asking you, the one in the middle.
The one in the middle?
Yes, the one in the middle!
Hello?
Yes, dmitri.
No, no, it's all right.
Just a second...
What the hell are you doing?
Uh, thinking.
Get back in those seats immediately.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Right, you, the one in the middle.
What do you think?
Come on!
Splunge!
Did he say "splunge"?
Yeah.
What does "splunge" mean?
It means it's a great idea
But possibly not.
And I'm not being indecisive.
Good, all right, what do you think?
Uh, splunge?
Okay.
Yeah, splunge for me, too.
So all three of you think splunge.
Well, now we're getting somewhere.
No, wait, a new angle:
In the snow, instead of the tree, I see...
Rock hudson.
Yeah.
And instead of the dog, I see doris day.
Oh, yes.
And gentlemen, doris day goes up to rock hudson
And she kisses on him.
It's a love story.
Intercourse italian-style.
David hemmings as a hippie gestapo officer.
Frontal nudity.
A family picture.
A comedy.
And then when doris day's kissed rock hudson
She says something funny
Like...
Good evening?
Doris day's a comedienne, not a newsreader!
Get out!
She says something funny like...
Uh... splunge.
That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.
Get out!
Doris dog kisses rock tree and she says?
I can't take it anymore!
I like that, I like that-- "I can't take it anymore."
And then rock hudson says
"I'm a very rich film producer and I need a lobotomy."
And then doris dog says, "I think you're very handsome
And I'm going to take all my clothes off."
And then doris dog turns into a yak
And goes to the bathroom on david lemming...
No, wait, wait.
Hello? hello?
Hello, who are you?
You're an out-of-work writer?
Well, you're fired!
Roll the credits!
Produced by irving c. saltzberg jnr.
and irving c. saltzberg productions ltd.
and saltzberg art films, oil, real estate, banking and prostitution inc.